Tuesday, January 16, 2007

To Fart Is Human. To Enjoy It Is A Guy Thing!

A distinct advantage of being a hot wife husband is that I'm the least party to an adventure who needs to concern himself with decorum. If I chug some soda on a hot evening and need to belch, I let it rip. If I'm in a particularly playful mood I might even see how much of the alphabet I can get out along with the carbon dioxide. And, if some gas should present itself at the other end, well unless somebody's head is between my legs, KABOOM! Out it comes, and I'll probably be laughing hysterically too as the others groan in mock horror. Unfortunately, for the funny factor, my bark is usually much worse than my "bite."

Weird though it might be, one of the things I love most about being a guy is that farts are funny. They're always funny. Sometimes they're sufficiently funny that I cry and my belly muscles ache afterwards from laughing so hard. And the dirtier the look I get from the "Oh, grow up!" people, the better the whole experience of enjoying it whether or not the fart itself came from me (though there are definite brownie points to be scored if it did).

I love laying one that hugs the ground in a store aisle and then having somebody walk through the brown cloud. They're not going to say anything (That decorum thing.) but they know I'm the proud daddy, and the more nonchalant I can manage to make myself look the funnier I think it is.

The absolute funniest fart of my entire life came from Dave, the husband of one of Dee's friends back in college. He and I were in the very middle of a relatively crowded Radio Shack while the girls were elsewhere at the mall looking at clothes. Dave lifted a leg ostentatiously and dramatically let one fly that nearly knocked half the electronics onto the floor and would have made an elephant proud. His utter audacity in bombing the store like that had me close to wetting myself and everybody there probably thought I was the one who'd done it for as hard as I was laughing.

I feel sorry for the uptight who don't find the humor in farts. Like nuns, for example. "S'ter! Bobby farted," was never something that would score any sympathy in the fourth grade no matter how close one sat to Bobby nor how much turkey, sauerkraut, and beans he had for lunch. It's somewhat ironic that the the sorry of fart are often described as being "anal" when it would seem they're quite the opposite.

Only guys understand that a fart is made many times funnier when somebody comments on it. A fart in itself in gender mixed company in a neutral setting like a doctor's waiting room is likely to go unappreciated. Let somebody cough, wave his hand in front of his face, and ask, "Man! Who had the hay for breakfast?" and it's as good as having a stand-up comedian doing his shtick. At least for the other guys who might be there.

For the record, no. I've never trashed the bed with ass gas and then held Dee's head under the covers. I'm truly afraid of what she might do if I did.

Farts are funny. I plan to keep enjoying them.

Only a guy could appreciate the humor of a juicy sounding
fart delivered in a magical setting like a motel room in which
his wife is making love with one of their friends.
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Willy said...

I know whereof you speak, oh toothless one. I once took my 8 yr old grandson to the Air Force Museum in Dayton, a place I had been dying to visit all my adult life. While in the gift shop, he let one mighty fart that practically cleared the building. This has become one of the most repeated family stories of all time , much to the chagrin of his mother (my daughter), who will never, ever understand the efficacy of a fart for male bonding.

bad influence girl said...

oh geeze

that actually helps you know that?

and yeah, under covers ones are mean

that picture is really interesing, i keep staring at it trying to make things out...

Bob and Helen Parr aka "The Incredibles" said...

I for one have let one rip and have held helen under the covers. The best ones can even wake a sleeping wife from REM sleep.

spinningmia said...

Boy, you just let it all hang out don't you? I love it. You and my husband are the same way. He always laughs when sombody farts, too. How refreshingly hilarious to see you do a post about this. I'm still giggling.