Monday, September 10, 2007

Where I Am

I'm not the same person who started this blog - not the same person who wrote to it faithfully until one month ago today. It's a coincidence that my last "regular" entry was the 8th of August; I wasn't waiting for a month to pass. I just happen to be here today.

My thanks to all of you who've written to me or commented here about recent events. I appreciate your concern, but any worry is unwarranted. I'm changed, but I haven't lost sight of what's most important to me - who's most important to me.

It's somewhat irrelevant to me that up until she allowed me a day with Sarah, Dee had enjoyed over 230 extramarital, sexual encounters. Sharing Dee was never a prelude to my asking Dee if I could have another woman. The offer for me to bed another woman came from Dee herself and for five years I gave it no serious thought - until Sarah wrote to me as a friend to ask my advice about having some fun to make up for a lackluster, loveless marriage. That was all. She was thinking about meeting up with an old friend she knew in high school for an evening of sex. She asked what I thought about it.

Those of you who've read me long enough know that I find it nearly impossible to divorce my emotions from anything that's important to me. I told Sarah about how beautiful Dee's times with Don and Mike are - how sometimes I feel that I'm witnessing something holy when I see her make love and give herself freely and almost completely to a lover. I told her that I wished for her the same if she were to meet up with her old friend - that the experience would be something profound for her and of immense beauty. What I wrote intrigued her. The dirty mouthed guy she knew me to be in college wasn't this heart on his sleeve guy who was writing to her now. In fact, our friendship of nearly 30 years was more based on our similar senses of humor than anything vaguely emotional.

Yes, I cared for Sarah much as a friend for many years, especially for the past seven years or so during which she's been visiting us every summer. During these annual visits she often told absolutely hilarious stories about what a dud she'd married, but I could tell that underneath the laughter there was a hurting spirit. I wished I could do something to help - to make a difference to her - but what? She lives in the same state, but hours away. She might as well have been on a different continent. The most we ever did was send funny e-mails to each other on occasion. It was all I knew to do. It was all I did for years.

And then we started writing a few months ago. Her intrigue about what I told her about Dee's times with the guys led me to offer her an invitation to join us for the date night with Don that would coincide with her annual summer visit. I never in a million years thought that she'd accept. Days passed without any mention of the invitation and then she wrote to ask me all about how things work on such an evening with a tone that suggested that she was planning to join us after all. Even then I was hoping at best that Don, not I, would be able to give her an evening to remember - something good by way of affection as well as fun sex. To be truthful, I stand in awe of Don's eagerness to give pleasure and his boyish sweetness - the qualities with which he makes Dee feel loved inside and out when they make love. I wanted Sarah to feel that too.

We kept writing.

Somehow the focus turned to her making love with me more than Don, and I really don't know how. I think it was just because I was making her feel more cared for than she'd felt in years. I never really offered Sarah anything of myself because I'd not believed I had anything worthwhile to give, but when she admitted that she was thinking more about being with me, I was moved. If ever there was going to be a time and person with whom I could take Dee up on her offer of allowing me intimacy that would truly mean something to me with another woman, it was now, with Sarah.

It wasn't until then that I'd realized that I'd done things backwards. I'd made an offer to Sarah before I talked to Dee about it. I didn't think Sarah would ever accept, so I'd really considered my offer moot. And, Sarah was a friend to both of us. I shouldn't have assumed as I did that Dee would just be totally cool with it. And, yes, Dee had given me permission to screw another woman, but this was different - it wasn't just another woman. It was a woman who had been my friend before Dee even came into my life. Dee and I had some soul searching to do together after I told her about what I'd had in the works. God bless her! Despite some reservations Dee gave me a number of blessings.

At first when she accepted my offer to join us Sarah was just going to come out in time to join us at the motel.

Then she was going to come earlier, to have supper with Dee and me before heading up to meet with Don.

Then she was going to come out an hour or so before supper for me to take some nude photos of her to send to her friend.

Then she was going to come out two hours or so before supper for me to take some nude photos of her to send to her friend and to make love with me after Dee said we could play alone for a while if we'd like.

She got here 8:15 that morning. She left at 1:00 AM the next morning. We spent just about the whole day together in bed except for cooking and having supper with Dee. We went to the motel and had a great time with Dee and Don. We came back to the house. Sarah and I both put Dee to bed and then came back downstairs and made love for three more hours.

She said I made her feel things she'd never felt before. Profound things. Sexual things and emotional things. I had asked Dee for her blessing to say, "I love you," to Sarah if I was moved to. I was. I did. She said it back to me. With her voice, her eyes, her entire self.

It comes down to this, folks. When you're pushing 50, your dick works half-heartedly when it feels like, and Mr. Potato Head could be your twin, you don't exactly see yourself as a potential knight in shining armor to anybody. That's how Sarah made me feel - like somehow I'd saved her from going through life without ever having felt some of life's best emotions. That I could have made her feel that way? Impossible! Certainly as crazy as the rest of the story I've been telling here for a few years now. Another miracle in my eyes. Something for me to ponder and savor, but quietly this time around.

For five years I've enjoyed broadcasting Dee's times in bed with her lovers in words and pictures. And I've been pretty open about my own adventures as well. Somehow, though, in feeling with Sarah what Dee feels with her guys, I find myself wanting to keep it all to myself now. What I once shouted from the rooftops I now whisper as a prayer.

A few days after our day together, Dee wrote to Sarah. She told her that what we shared "meant the world" to me. It did. But it meant infinitely more to me that Dee gave me the day in the first place to live out my dream of making love with a friend.

I'm not in love with Sarah, though I do love her. Dee is my soul mate and my true love and there is nothing lacking in my relationship with her at all. There's something your spouse can't really give you, though. Flattery. No matter how hard he or she might try, there's always that thought in the back of your mind that your spouse feeds your ego because of a sense of duty and because of love. Dee believed that about me until Don opened her eyes. And I believed it about her until Sarah gave me the gift of finally being able to believe all of the good things Dee has told me about myself for years now.

My friendship with Sarah is rekindled in a beautiful way. We talk on the phone all the time. Mostly, we laugh together about the funny things that happen in the course of a typical day - the kinds of things that others might not see as funny because they don't have our sense of humor. Now and then we remind each other of some of the things we did together on the day we shared - and it feels good to relive them in the memories. And we talk about the possibility of seeing each other again and maybe trying some things we didn't get around to doing the last time.

I have the best wife in the world, and I have a "girlfriend" too. Just business as usual for this guy who's been living a miracle for five years running. Okay, so I'm a little quieter now than I had been. Maybe I was just too noisy before.

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8 comments:

Willy said...

A beautiful story and told with humility and love. I was worried I have to admit , that you had "fallen" and your relationship with Dee was endangered.

I too believe that you can love more than one person in your life , but you can have only one true soulmate at a time, and obviously Dee is yours.

I'm happy for you joe, and Dee too.

Willy

MikeCindynJoe said...

Absolutely perfect! An incredible accounting from an incredible guy!

I admittedly was holding my breath as were others I'm sure, but you emerged with a telling that covered and explained every single issue and emotion... and very well, I might add.

While I'm always impressed with your well-grounded but emotionally-sound perspective, I am also not surprised. Why should I be? You are always fair, consistent and honest. It is also for these reasons you were so touched... and changed.

Change is difficult for humans, content rather to run on inertia, which must be overcome. In this case, the change you underwent was positive, very positive and that's good, very good.

However, as changed as you feel you might be, with the support, understanding and love (however new or old), that you have from Dee and Sarah, you remain and will remain, "Joe".

Only now, "New and Improved"

It's great to hear from you!

Mike

Leprechaun said...

Ah, Joe,
What a beautiful description of love and caring at so many levels. To live in such a cloud of emotional love is wonderful, but to share it with all of us is exceptionally generous.
Aloha, Bob

Lapis Ruber said...

What a relief! I thought it had all gone wrong and that that was why the blog had gone silent.

If I can say it keeping the reluctant envy out of my voice - you are a lucky man to be immersed in such love.

Upton said...

Hi Joe,

The lyric, "I've looked at love from both sides now", seems to fit.

I'm pleased for you in any number of ways, not the least of which is that nice guys sometimes do finish first.

You've been throwing your bread on the water for a long time and, now, you've been rewarded.

I think the thing that comes through most clearly is your surprise at it all. It's seems almost fitting that you started out (with this lady) to do her a good deed only to have it come back to you as well.

I'm also pleased that, while your head may still be in the clouds, your feet are clearly still on the ground. The territory may be new for you, but if you maintain your honesty and giving attitude, it will all work out.

G'bless,

Upton OGood

Mr. & Mrs SW said...

Thanks for sharing

Sheen V said...

Yes, thank you for sharing. Its good to get one's thoughts on paper to sort them out. You all have the best people to share your lives with for years to come.

D said...

Well, just as some others, I too was concerned about you, Joe. I'm glad you're fine and your beautiful story of you and Sarah really shows how deeply you feel for her. However, you are a well grounded individual who has the unique ability to put things in the proper perspective. I'm glad you're OK. I'm gladder, to coin a word, that you AND Dee or OK. Mac