Monday, November 07, 2005

Bake Me a Cake as Fast as You Can

Now and then I hit up my ISP's and my former ISP's lists of users' home pages just to see who's out there in relative geographical proximity, and admittedly I have a keen eye for pages with names like Dave and Jen's Page, Bill and Helen's Place, and the like. Many of them feature family pictures and most of the time the standard pictorial fare is ugly little babies, shriveled old people, and stupid looking pets. Now and then, though, I'll get lucky enough to find what I'm really looking for - a babe who looks like she might be a prime candidate for some meaningful hot wifing or a couple just waiting for somebody to invite them to become swingers. Not that I'll necessarily have the balls to dispatch a suggestive e-mail to them; I just like knowing that there are average Joes and Janes close by who are nice to look at and to fantasize about.

So there I land on the page of Jack and Mary. Mary has those high cheek bones of the sort that would suggest a naturally gifted and talented sucker of cock who'd fancy another dick in her pussy at the same time, and Jack appears to be the kind of gent who'd rather enjoy watching a variety of guys taking turns with the delightful and naked Mary. I start reading their text eagerly to see if one of their favorite hangouts is Ye Olde Adulte Sex Shoppe. And then - there it is again... the name of the church they attend and it always has way too many words in its name like Evangelical Bible Pentecostal Charismatic Church of the Savior. Now I have nothing against religion; I'm a practicing Christian myself - (Practicing miserably, because I break too many of the rules regularly.) - but if I were going to put up a web page about myself, the family, the cats and the dog, I don't think I'd have the name of my church in there like it's a huge part of my self definition. I think it very odd that many of the folks who put up home pages around here stick that church name in there and that it's always some obscure denomination that most folks have never heard of - like something from one of those cornfield horror movies.

I'm starting to think that if I'd like to convert one of these obviously monogamous church babes over to the temple of carnal delights I better learn to make something they'll rave about and start to attend a variety of covered dish dinners. When they ask for the recipe I can always pencil in something at the bottom like, "You have a beautiful ass and magnificent tits. Would you and your husband like to fuck around with my wife and me sometime?" Then again I just might find myself staked out in the middle of a cornfield bleeding from my gut and being offered up to the Harvest Master to ensure a bountiful pickin'.

Honest, folks: If I didn't know that I was so damned normal, I'd worry about myself for thinking of some of this shit.

Have a happy work week, if there is such a thing on your planet.
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AlwaysArousedGirl said...

You crack me up.

The image of a cornfiled evisceration is much better than my little dog image.

Dee's Husband Joe said...

Oh, I don't think so, AAG. The quality level of the humor varies indirectly with what side of the pen you happen to be on. I never manage to make myself laugh; all I get on this side is a satisfied grin when I'm done with a line that I particularly like.


Suze said...

I'm a newcomer to your blog but must admit you have definately raised a smile. I'll revisit.

Yes, how is it that the quite ones are usually the worst?

Having those wonderful Sunday school smiles but behind the smile, well anything goes.

By the way, who are they? LOL.

Suze X

Biker & Teacher said...


You are funny. I do not know how many times I have seen those ugly babies and wondered why the parents would put the pictures up on their web sites.

Check out our new profile on our blog. Make certain you refresh! We wrote a new profile just for your amusement.

The Teacher

GeorgeVanna said...


Terrific prose.

We continue to enjoy

George and Vanna

Mac said...

Hmmmm, Joe, I can identify with what you're saying. I check out the personal pages of my ISP on occassion also. Never found anything except the same kind of stuff you seem to find.

Your mention of the church attendance and how you seemed to be "practicing miserably" stirred similar feelings in me. The church I attend, rather spasmodically, has some of the most beautiful women imaginable. We are even "blessed" to have a MRS. America as a member. It's completely impossible to concentrate on anything but her when she's there. She is breathtaking. I undress her continually during the service. Well, enough of my rambling. Don't worry about yourself. We're right up there with you. Mac