Saturday, November 05, 2005

On Being Half of a Person

For as fulfilling as it is to have this forum in which to extrude my thoughts upon you, it's tough putting on the "personahood" of Dee's Husband exclusively sometimes, rather than to appear before you as the full person I am without having to subtract so much of my total person in order to remain the relatively obscure man behind the curtain. So many times in the past nearly half of a year I've found myself here in Ye Olde Blog pinching little cerebral loaves of thought that ultimately I had to delete because they simply revealed too much of the real me - the me who might be recognized by family, associates, acquaintances, friends, and the kinds of folks who'd be genuinely horrified if they knew that I'm the person many of you know me to be. It's not that I'm uncomfortable being that person; it's their judgement that I can do without. And, it's not that I'm wilfully deceitful in my presentation to you of who I am, but I'm in a sense dishonest by omission, out of necessity. I find some consolation in knowing that many of us here do the same.

Much of who I am is greatly defined by the way I earn my daily bread, but I'm extremely careful not to say openly what it is that I do when I go to work each day. For the record, I mostly love my job which I've held for over twenty years. While many of my colleagues are assholes, the people whom we serve are well worth my effort, and my time at work each day is 98% well spent. Sometimes I long to talk here about a particularly great moment of a workday, but have to stay silent when I wish I could share all of that with you.

There are things about being a parent that I wish I could voice sometimes too - both the goods and the bads. There too, though, I've too much defined my niche in having a "sex blog" to make such talk appropriate and without the risk of losing some my comfortable reader base. Frankly, if I tune into a blog that usually sizzles, I'm really not looking to hear about the bloggers' kid's lousy day at school, for example, so I'm not going to be two faced and moan here about my kid fucking off and getting B+'s instead of working for the A's.

I guess what started this rant of today is that for the past week I've been in a moderate amount of pain which OTC pain killers haven't been doing much to control. I want to bitch about it here, but I'm afraid even to mention the nature of the source lest somebody in "real life" stumble here to put two and two together and find me in my phonebooth changing out of the Clark Kent suit and tie.

I wish I could be the whole, real me here without looking over my shoulder at every turn, but don't worry - I won't. This is as serious as I'll ever get, and besides, it's not like I don't spend sufficient hours each day eating, thinking, drinking, and breathing sex. Being Dee's Husband is, perhaps, the most important hat I wear in terms of my own happiness and contentment. No other of my daily or occasional roles bring me the joy I get from my relationship with Dee, so if I need to pigeonhole myself here, as indeed I must, I didn't pick by any means an inappropriate part of my total being to showcase.

So, Dee's Husband I remain, for better or worse, richer or poorer, et cetera!


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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear you are in pain. Get your bad self to the doctor, willya?

I feel the same about splitting myself, segmenting myself. I'm not entirely comfortable with it, but it is a necessity.