I can narrate the sucking and fucking effortlessly when I'm so inclined. It's when I try to express the emotions of one of our experiences that my tongue, or in the case of writing my fingers seem to get all tied up in knots in their inability to communicate what I'm feeling - what I know Dee is feeling - what I see written all over her lover's face in terms of his affection for her. And yet, in spite of the frustration in knowing that I can't relate those feelings to you, I wallow in them at times here and admittedly enjoy trying to express them because it gives me a deep joy even in making the attempt.
At times I've compared watching Dee make love with a man to watching any of the touching, light hearted chick flicks - like Sleepless in Seattle or You've Got Mail. (I'm a sucker for a good chick flick!) Imagine at the end of such a movie, right when you'd expect the credits to start rolling through the big kiss scene, the unexpected happens in terms of movie viewing. Imagine that at that moment the kiss on the screen really ignites. Clothes start coming off. With their lips still locked together the man and woman fumble and stumble to the conveniently placed bed. She lies back, reaches to guide him into herself. He kisses her even more passionately, nudges his hips. The camera moves - down to where they are joined. In living Technicolor his cock, wet with her juices, pushes into her lovingly and withdraws so slowly that you know it's causing him pain to be less than fully inside her. Imagine watching this scene to its natural conclusion. Their bodies tighten. You know they're cumming together. He withdraws and you see his thick cream drizzle lazily from her crease as he lies beside her, toys gently with one of her hard nipples, and still they kiss in a way that unites them just as deeply, as meaningfully as they were when he was inside her. That's how it is when Dee makes love with a man, especially with Don and Mike whom we see regularly and who are so much closer to us both than we'd ever imagined any man might be when we first considered and discussed sharing her sexuality with others.
Dee asked me this morning if I'd be able to clear my schedule to join her for lunch at work some day so I could meet Dan - the guy she hangs out with at break time and with whom she regularly shares lunch. I know he's sweet on her as she is on him. I'd really love to see them make love because there's much feeling there that wants to be expressed, but in a way where words fail.
"I love you," carries too much weight. It's not something I'd be comfortable hearing Dee say to another man, nor with him saying it to her, and yet when she's joined with a lover intimately and completely there's no denying that she's saying it with her body and with her soul as it's touching his in their union. It's the same kind of, "I love you," that I wish I could communicate to New Girl because of the depth to which our friendship has grown. It's the same one I wish Dee and Dan could express for each other in making love. Not the all encompassing, "I love you and am committed to you forever," that she and I share in our marriage, but nonetheless an, "I love you," that is meaningful, that touches a person to his core, that makes one's entire life better for having shared a moment in time with another person during which all sense of self is lost and the amazing togetherness with the other is felt in a way that can never be forgotten.
Somewhere out there is the cold hearted, bitter cynic and skeptic who will visit here and read this entry to dismiss me summarily as only another asshole who gets off on seeing his wife get fucked. While I'll admit to being an asshole on occasion and won't deny for a split second that I very mcuh enjoy seeing Dee getting fucked silly, I'll hold my ground with everything I've claimed here which I know to be true in my heart of hearts. Isn't that what the best of all possible sexual worlds are supposed to be about for a guy, ultimately? Something that his cock and his heart find equally fulfilling? Now, if only I could really find the words to express it all.
When Dee is with a lover I am as moved by their tender and
affectionate moments as I am by the intensely sexual ones.
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