Thankfully, Dee and I don't argue much - as it's been for the past four years or so, ever since her "rebirth." Nevertheless, a couple of times a year we seem get out of step with each other and do battle on a regular basis for a week or two over the same silly shit we used to fight about almost daily during the "bad years." It was easy to blame her back then - to see her as the source of our divisiveness because she was rarely happy about anything. It wasn't until she got "better" that I could acknowledge the mea culpas - my own contributions to our discord generally arising from a touch of a passive/aggressive personality.
The trouble with being the agitator is that when one's doing the agitating it's nearly impossible to see one's own fault in the resulting frays. It appears through the shit colored glasses one's wearing, that the other party must be to blame because inside one's own head is the perfect plan as to who's supposed to say what and when and in what tone of voice. It all seems so perfectly logical. And then, when the other party doesn't adhere to the mental script of the first (because mind reading is impossible to us average folks) the first's ego gets bruised in the process, and insecure disappointment brews. There's some brooding. Resentment builds. And then, kerpow!
I guess that's where I've been. In one of my funks in which poor Dee could do nothing to appease or please me because I was always one step ahead of her in knowing exactly what she was supposed to say to me at all times, but without giving her a clue as to what I needed to hear. Every time she tried to adjust her step, it seems I would change the dance.
I'm not totally back to being regular old Joe, but in acknowledging that I'm a sonofabitch to live with at times, and in admitting that I've been that way recently, I'm making some progress. My first real clue was that I was starting to hate being around myself. It was only when I started to feel that, that I could see that Dee's barrage of recent criticisms weren't coming from her unprovoked, but that they were well justified.
When you're sharing your naked wife with other guys and you see her all happy when she's kissing and fucking them, but generally miserable when she's around you, who do you blame? Do you ask yourself, Self, are you being an asshole again? or do you point the finger and whine, "That's not fair!" like a second grader? Unfortunately, I know my usual answer. Sometimes I don't know how Dee puts up with me, but I'm damned glad that she does.
Though I'm never truly "jealous" when Dee's enjoying another
guy, sometimes my lifelong insecurities get in the way of
appreciating things as they truly are rather than in the
misconstrued ways my enfeebled brain is perceiving them.
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