ASH WEDNESDAY, 2007 - I haven't "done Lent" in many years now and Easter morning always leaves me with a huge lump of guilt for not practicing any self mortification, self denial, or self-improvement. The nuns who taught me once upon a time likely writhe in their graves over my inability to give up those candy bars, favorite TV shows, and excessive masturbatory experiences.
Until I discovered that my dick was for way more than pissing there was nothing in life I wanted to be other than a priest. I played Mass at the kitchen counter with crackers and grape juice - the old Tridentine rite yet, though in English. I was making novenas and triduums before most of my classmates were beyond stumbling over that "uu" spelling. And then my cock came to life somewhere along the line - started spraying thick gobs of warm fluid and giving me the most incredible pleasures I've ever known, and all former thoughts of entering the seminary fell quickly by the wayside.
If I can't stop looking at porn or jerking off for Lent (And I can't. I tried and failed miserably every time for years.) there's really no point in doing anything else. Orgasm is my primary pleasure. One needs to sacrifice his best, and I can't. Like Cain, I'm able only to offer at most a token, but I know that it's not good enough so there's no point in my trying to do anything while knowing in my heart that it would fall way short of the true spirit of Lent.
Ironically, my enjoyment of porn itself, frequent masturbation, sucking cock, and sharing my wife with other men cause me no guilt. I've long since justified each of them to my moral sense or sufficiently numbed it in kidding myself - I'm not sure which it is. What I lament is my inability to offer anything to heaven that's worthy of all that heaven has done for me. Granted, any sacrifices we make as mortals are feeble and puny, but we should, if we're going to offer anything at all, be willing and able to give up our best.
I'll wear the ashes. I'll go through the motions. I'll hope those nuns who taught me are praying for me.
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