Sunday, June 05, 2005

Off Topic: The Croaking Chick Flick

It's a generally well guarded secret that I love a good chick flick, but I can admit it here 'cause none of you know me from Adam and I don't have to give a shit if you think if me as a sniveling wuss when it comes to enjoying a sappy movie with tissues handy (like the tissues I have at the ready when I'm enjoying some quality XXX in the pleasant, nude company of myself, but for another good reason). However, I draw the line at a film's entertainment value when the heroine drops dead at the end, and if either of my daughters brings home another of these Croaking Chick Flicks any time soon she's going to be in big trouble.

Hell, who doesn't love a good Hanks and Ryan movie when finally the smouldering tinder is so well ignited that if they were to fuck during the rolling credits it would seem an even more fitting ending to the resolution of the sexual tension that built up throughout the flick than their kiss at the end? I'll be damned, though, if I'm going to sit willingly through another performance where there's no chance of that imagined romp at the end because the sweet young thing that you've been waiting for the male lead to pork the whole time ends up in the cemetery.

Last week it was Sweet November, and just this evening - Finding Neverland. (No, not the Michael Jackson variety. The one with Johnny Depp whose cock I'd dearly love to suck someday, but with him looking like Ichabod Crane in Sleepy Hollow rather than that friggin', queer, drunken pirate.) Two croaking chick flicks in as many weeks is just way too many, too often. Strangely, I'm not sniveling at the end of these; what I am is pissed off that a perfectly great piece of ass is wasted, even as imagination fodder 'cause who wants to picture Depp banging away at something green and bloated that was prime ass for most of the flick?

Killing off the main trim just doesn't need to happen to make a film a good one. The video boxes really need to have better warnings. May I propose CCF for croaking chick flick? Well, unless somebody decides to off a Renée Zellweger character; they couldn't kill her off enough times for me. Maybe they could do it from a variety of angles with multiple instant replays!

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