Monday, July 11, 2005

Rantings: How Not to Impress Dee and Me

I've finally gone ahead and written a primer of sorts for the idiots who just don't get it when it comes to asking for a chance to bed Dee. These lamers come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and colors, but their faults all basically boil down to being varying degress of inconsideration. Herewith is the list that I'll be sending from now on to the kinds of guys who won't be getting any more than this from me because they're just not worth it! I hereby reserve the right to add onto it as necessary.

How Not to Impress Dee and Me:

1. Write less than half a sentence. If you're asking us to consider you as a possible lover for Dee we want to know a lot about you and much more than your age, sex, and location, or the size of your dick. In fact, if we don't get to know you as a person, there's no way that we're going to consider meeting with you, and even if we do get to know you there's no guarantee that we're going to get a good feeling about you. Your best shot at getting into a bed with Dee is to write at length and tell us about yourself; we're not looking for sex gods, just for down to earth guys who seem like they'd be fun to spend some time with. It would worsen your chances of meeting us to write too little too infrequently than to write at length and often.

2. Don't bother writing sentences at all. If we're not worth your time to press the shift key to put an upper case letter where it belongs nor a punctuation key to properly end a complete thought, how can we expect you to be any more considerate of us in a bedroom? If you're too damned busy to follow a few simple rules of English, you're probably too busy to be our kind of guy - or too lazy, or too stupid. Being online is no excuse for abandoning what you learned in school in about the fourth grade!

3. Abbreviate three letter words. It says much more about you than you might think when you write "u" for "you," "r" for "are" and other nonsense abbreviations like those. If you can't take the time to spell out little words, what reason do we have to think that you'll do any better with your time when it comes to foreplay or spending a few hours together naked creatively? Once more, just because you're on the internet doesn't mean that language breaks down. If it does for you, you're not our kind of person. Nobody's so important nor busy that he can't type out baby words.

4. Immediately ask about going to bed with Dee. Would you come up to me on the street, in a bank, at a park and say, "I'd like to fuck your wife!" Not unless you're a total idiot in which case we wouldn't give you the time of day. In "real life" you'd probably be smart enough to try to make a good impression. Well, this IS real life and you just blew it if the first and just about only thing you bothered to say to us was that you want a shot at Dee. I'll bet you're not going to meet any other hot wife couples either if that's the best you can do.

5. Tell us why you're God's gift to women. Brag about the size of your cock and how many women you've dicked. We'd rather you be average and admit it than to give yourself a few trophies because we're average ourselves and we're not comfortable around people who think too highly of themselves. If you think you have something special that drives women crazy with passion and would like to try it on Dee, work on impressing us by being a genuine, sincere person rather than being a braggart who just might not be as good as he thinks he is.

6. Use dirty language with plenty of words like "fuck," "cunt" and "slut" in it. Yes, we enjoy sex with people other than just within our marriage, but that doesn't make us dirty people and we don't like being spoken to like the folks you might find out at the Laundromat at 3 A.M. While Dee enjoys a little dirty talk in the bedroom from time to time, it's hardly the sort of thing that's going to get her all hot and gooey by way of introducing yourself.

7. Tell us you live a good distance away but you travel a lot. In our experience it's not worth our effort to try to hitch up with somebody who "... might be in your area on or around the 12th..." and such. We need to plan our fun evenings well in advance and we don't like having to pencil anybody in. If you can't make a committment that isn't more than likely subject to change, look for a playmate closer to home and we'll arrange to meet with somebody local who won't have to bail on us because of changes in travel plans.

8. Tell us about your race. Dee and I are totally open-minded individuals which means that we are NOT going to believe that you're somehow superior to anybody else because you claim membership in any particular racial group. If you'd like to pretend that your race somehow gives you an edge when it comes to fun in the bedroom, go right ahead - somewhere else. No, despite our being told so all the time, Dee does NOT need a (Insert name of racial group here.) All she needs is a sincere guy who sounds like he's fun to play with, regardless of his race or heritage.

9. Have a bull mentality. We are definitely NOT a cuckold type of wife sharing couple, and I take a backseat to nobody. I don't sit quietly in a chair watching you bang away at my wife; Im an eager participant in every sexual experience we have with Dee's lovers. If you have some need to dominate in your relationships with others, try the gym, but we won't tolerate it in a bedroom with us.

10. Make it obvious that graduating from high school was your stellar cerebral achievement. We're not snobby intellectuals, but Dee and I prefer to be with fairly intelligent persons. No, we don't need guys who can hold their own in discussions of Kant's Prolegomena, but neither do we want gentlemen whose idea of meaningful conversation during a lull in the sex is, "How 'bout them fuckin' Yankees!"

No comments: