I've been feeling miserable lately - the past few weeks. I really have no idea why. The best guess that comes to mind is some chronic pain I've been in, but one would think that I could control my emotions in spite of that, so I'm not sure that that's it after all. I've been short, grumpy, impatient, and brooding without just cause. Yesterday I inadvertently hurt a friend and that was, perhaps, the first time that I really became aware of this big lump of nasty which seems to be stuck in my gut though I've had inklings of blah and gray feelings on and off for some time now. Later, when our daughter started hauling Christmas down from the attic I felt a big BAH HUMBUG! brewing and grumbled, "Do we have to do this now?" THAT was when I really felt it - The Scrooge/Grinch peering out of my own eyes.
I wonder if this is how Dee felt on the inside during what I call our bad years? Like you're outside yourself looking in and watching yourself living your life rather than feeling like you're actually living it. It's how she describes it, but I wonder if this is it. If it is, I can't imagine how she managed to live through it for sixteen years. After a few weeks I've had enough.
I need to shuck this moodiness before Christmas really gets here because last year was just about the best Christmas I can remember having and I sure as hell don't want this one to make up for that in some karma sort of way. It wasn't about presents; I can't name one thing I opened last year that made me jump up and down with glee - it was just the Christmas season itself that had me all up and bouncy. Last Christmas I felt like Bob Cratchit at Christmas dinner, and this year I feel like I'm poised atop Mt. Crumpet cursing those little Whos.
My epiphany of miserable self awareness hit home yesterday when I grumped out at one of my best online friends and dragged her down with me. I never want my online presence to be a hurtful thing. I like to raise my friends up - not pull them into the whirling downward vortex of my own tailspin. I'm taking a break. I'm keeping my mouth shut (Okay, my fingers still.) until what comes out can be pleasant, cheerful, upbeat, and sincere.
3 comments:
Joe, you are only human. We all experience days like this sometimes even longer.
Your personality is made up of different flavours and if you always tasted the same it would become monotonous.
After all it's the bad days that highlight the good.
I've been feeling much the same over the last week, with no job and being at home on my own all day.
I'm shaking myself out of this right now. Come on smile with me.
:)
It has been my experience that pain has a way of creeping up on your emotions. It just wears you down. It's not at all surprising that it is effecting your mood. Is there anything that can be done for the pain? Hope things feel better fast!
Hugs
Des
I've been wondering where you've been, Joe. I've missed your posts and your comments on my blog very much.
Sorry to hear you are feeling down. I've been there too, of course. I feel exhausted and weak and dead.
But talking about it and writing about it will likely help.
Email me if you want to talk further, k?
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