I'm thinking my recent quiet is more about taking stock than anything else. Though I wasn't overtly frightened or worried about Dee's recent procedure, in the back of my mind the gravity of it all refused to be wrestled completely from my awareness. I started to read Dean Koontz's The Taking when Dee was wheeled out of the room and I moved to the waiting area, but the words in the book were tenuous at best in terms of making total sense in my head and competeting with the unformed thoughts of concern that swam through my brain.
Since we've been home I've been looking at Dee as a parent looks at a child. I'm seeing the fragility of her life in her slow moving and in her pain as I try to keep her ass in a chair because I know that in spite of doctor's orders she'd much rather be up and moving furniture or something than relaxing and taking it easy. In her recovery I'm more conscious than I've been in many years of what a precious gift her life is to me. I'm looking at her and thanking God in short, spontaneous prayers that she's my wife because I can't think of a single soul with whom my own could feel so at home and perfectly in its right place.
I remember my mom once telling my sister and me by way of commenting on the significance of marriage, "When a man and woman marry the two become one, so when one dies there's only a half left." I know what she means now. Since I was forced in this past week to briefly consider at least the possibility of having to live my life without Dee I'm more grateful than ever and more profoundly moved than usual in simply having her here beside me, doing nothing in particular - in simply being.
And so, I've been quiet. Being with Dee for the past few days has been like being in church - in a contemplative monastery. When I look at her and feel what I feel - no words are necessary. No words are possible to express what courses through me in my gratefulness for her being my wife, for her living her life with me, for her loving me in a way that I never knew love was possible. All that I ever really wanted out of life is here with me and I'm near levitating from the joy I feel. What more could I want? What more can I say while I'm simply reveling as I am?
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