Monday, July 17, 2006

From the Introspective Abyss of No Answers

A few recent and some longstanding ponderables about myself that I wish I could answer or understand...

Where did my imagination go and when did it abandon me? I live a short distance from a house that was a significant part of my childhood. I pass by it almost daily. I look at it, and the yard, and I can remember so many good times - so many delicious pre-school memories in particular. I can almost see and feel myself in the moments that flash through my recollective consciousness. I remember how easily, then, I could put myself into grown up roles and try them on for size. How a cardboard box could amuse me for most of a day as I imagined it my firetruck and myself a fireman rushing to put out fires all over the city! The next day it might be a rocket ship and I, an astronaut. I lament that loss of wonder and imagination - that part of me that could take me away from my concerns and worries and transport me, at least in my mind, to distant worlds. I can't do that any more. I am condemned to reality.

Why am I an ass man? When my guy classmates were all going hard in their pants over our female classmates' budding titties in the sixth grade, I was looking at the girls' asses. The absolute best day in elementary school was the day that the nun decided that we needed to exercise along to a record from some kind of fitness program recommended by President Kennedy. (Hey, the dude was the President - and a Catholic, weilding almost as much power as the pope!) I had a back row seat and for one of the drills we all had to get down on all fours and rock back and forth. There were close to 50 of us and the nun was fairly unobservant - nowhere near slick enough to catch me lying prone in the back of the room just staring up the girls' uniforms at their panties the whole time.

Why do I have a mild foot fetish? I didn't discover this one till I got my mitts on early porn (Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler in the early 70's.) and found myself much more attentive to the layouts where the girls were barefooted - particularly if their soles were showing. High heels are totally lost on me and I've never understood their seemingly high status as a pornographic visual aid. I'm not so much into playing with feet as I am into simply enjoying the sight of them. When Dee's with a guy and I see her bare soles high in the air with a good view of her lover's cock working her hole, there's hardly a better scenario to be seen the whole evening.

I just adore the sight of Dee's bare heels in
the air when a lover's cock is moving inside her.

Why do I hold some of my neighbors in phenomenally low regard? Oh, wait. Never mind. That one's easy. It's because they're noisy, inconsiderate douche bags. Actually, they're not so much the bags as they are the tips - 'specially that tip that goes up your ass for a good enema when you're blocked up with the shit equivalent of concrete. Back to the mysteries...

Why do I have a passive/aggressive personality? I set myself up at times for others to disappoint me, and then sulk when they do. Worse, I get pissy and moany at them. Poor Dee's put up with this not so lovely feature of mine for almost 24 years. I'm lucky that she loves me as much as she does because when I get my period, as I sometimes call my stupid moodiness, I can barely stand to be around myself. The really sucky part is that afterwards I can see objectively that I was being an asshole, but when I'm in the middle of an unreasonable rant or rave it seems perfectly logical to me that I should be so upset about whatever it is that has my dander up.

The obvious one... Why do I enjoy sharing Dee so much? What is it about watching another man take her passionately that makes me feel so damned good? I used to waste a lot of time trying to figure this one out. Now, I just enjoy it without trying to make sense of it.

Why was I so homophobic for most of my life? I've been kicking myself in the ass for the past few years for not having had, when I was in my teens, even the most remote clue that I had a bi side. Oh, the fun I might have had sucking cocks! All those wasted years! Actually, I probably couldn't have known this about myself back then because it didn't exist in me yet - or did it? Better late than never, though.

Okay, enough of visiting the introspective abyss of no answers for one sitting. If you feel a comment coming on, please don't try to answer any of these for me. I really don't want to think too hard about any of them.
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DeesDon said...

I"m just glad you decided (and SHE decided) to share!
Happy early 4th anniversary!

this girl said...

that is a beautiful picture!

Darkneuro said...

Won't try and answer your imponderables, sir... Just telling you I like the new look MWAH!

Saranonymous said...

I have read around your blog the past couple of nights, and I just wanted to tell you (because I thought you'd like to know) that the stories and picture with Dee aroused me. I even thought of them while I made myself come earlier. A treasure trove here.