Sunday, November 26, 2006

When It Hurts

The "bad years" are never far from my mind - the nineteen years of our marriage during which Dee hated sex and put me off as often as she could manage. We had sex. Bad sex. Now and then Dee would even enjoy an orgasm in spite of hating the very being there with me engaged in sex - sort of like when I enjoy a particularly magical moment of feeling the Christmas spirit during the overall dreadful experience of Christmas shopping. Most of the time, though, she was what somebody online once called a "flatbacker" - there in body but not in spirit, with a flat affect, looking wounded because I expected her to share in sex with me. I never understood the logic behind it. It seemed as if she believed that I should love her enough never to expect sex from her again and I was left to feel that I was somehow wrong in desiring her and expressing my need to be with her intimately. What we did was more a grotesque mockery of making love than making love itself.

I remember all too well how empty I felt afterwards, even before the last jet of cum sprayed from the tip of my cock into my wife's warm middle. There'd be no after glow - no lying there wrapped in each other's arms savoring the closeness and holding onto the delicious feelings of satiety. Dee would jump up, yank on her panties, slip on her nightshirt and go to bed after a token peck of a kiss. Because she always went to bed (Still does.) at least an hour earlier than I, I'd come back downstairs feeling like I'd just done something wrong, and cursing myself for not being able to do without the sex with Dee - for not having the strength to wait a few more days before "bothering" her about it. I'm sure that Dee felt as bad as I did afterwards - like she'd been used rather than loved by the one person who was supposed to love her more than anybody else. It probably even added to Dee's general depression which was the unknown reason for our woes in the bedroom and outside of it as well.

Every time Dee's not feeling well I worry that we're headed back to that. When she's in pain, that vacant sign is up in her eyes at times. She tries to hide it, unlike in the bad days when she wore the annoyance overtly as we were performing the charade of making love, but I know her well enough to see it no matter how thinly veiled it is.

Dee's hip joint has been painful for the past month or so and the chronic ache is getting to her. When I see her wince in bed, it subtracts something from the intimate equation. I love her so much for giving it her best shot, and except for the pain I know she wants to be there with me, but it's too much a reminder of those 19 awful years when I see her discomfort.

And so I wonder again sometimes - am I supposed to love her enough not to want sex with her? Does it make sense to think like that or is it the utter contradiction that it seems to be?

A shot from the bad old days when Dee would pose nude for me
so I'd jerk off to the pics and leave her alone. She looks like
this when she's in pain. I can't blame her, but I miss the
real Dee who now loves sex and sometimes can't get enough.
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PaBiCupl said...

I can relate to this. My first marriage was like yours for 18 years. Then she left... I started raising the kids alone and then met a wonderful woman. She loved sex more than I did. We had great times and I would share her now and then. We swung and enjoyed many close friends. About three years after we were married, at 48 which about 8 years ago, she developed a neurological disease. The prognosis is 2 to 7 years. She is now in the end stages. I care for her full time and have quit my job to be with her. Sex we don't have, it's to difficult. She does allow me to join some friends in threesums. I just don't seem to have the time for it nor do I feel right leaving her in the care of others.

Moral fo the story... Some times life really sucks. Be kind and caring for your mate. Sometimes sex is not penetration. Sometimes it's a caress or a rare naked hug.

this girl said...

this post brought tears to my eyes.....

Ravenroost said...

My wife has a medical condition that can make day to day living much less sex painful. She does really enjoy sex and many times we have sex to help her deal with the pain. But there are times when we are just getting started and the pain or discomfort gets too much for her or my touching her gets me grimaces of pain instead of pleasure. This can be a total mood killer for both of us.
We spend alot of time in these cases just cuddling and being tender with each other. Many times this time leads to some good hot sex but not always. She at times has to reassure me, causing her pain when trying to give her pleasure can really be a downer. We have found that certain positions are easier on her, our favorite is the spooning which takes pressure off her hip and other joints. I can't thrust vey hard but it is great if you are a butt man like me. I can say that while this can be a challenge the emotional intimacy and awesome sex that you can experince is well worth the effort.

Mac said...

Similiar situation here Joe, the pain/pleasure thing. My wife's arthritis often times causes problems not just in the bedroom but with everyday life. It hurts to see her hurt just as I know it hurts you to see Dee hurt. All we can do is give them the love they deserve and praise them for keeping on keeping on.

LadyGrey said...

I'm the wife with arthritis, or actually the ex-wife now. It is so sweet to hear you men care and love your wives, even in their pain. Mine didn't, I was berated and made to feel guilty about my illness. Oh to have had one of you in my life.