Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Past Life Musings

I was thinking out loud with our daughter this afternoon - wondering how I ever amused myself before the advent of the "information superhighway" and realizing that I did, indeed, have a life before the internet consumed me. I got through college without so much as a PC with my first computer being a $30 Timex-Sinclair with a chicklet keyboard, a whopping 16K of onboard RAM, and storage capability via a cassette tape recorder. It wouldn't be until Dee's dad bought me a PC clone (so I could figure it out and teach him how to work his) and then got onto Prodigy (adding me as a satellite account) that I would realize that people could communicate computer to computer, and that "talking" to folks like that could be a lot of fun.

I never looked back once I started interacting with others online. Making music which used to be a passion fell by the wayside as did reading both fiction and non-fiction. Tinkering and playing around with inventions in the workshop became a thing of the past except for when I needed to rig up or fix something. Programming which was my first computer love took a back seat to online bulletin boards, newsgroups, and e-mails. And when I started in on live chat I practically stopped living my real life all together to hang out with my online chat channel (room) friends.

Much of what I did online for six years or so was a total mystery to Dee, and it's good that it was because of the amount of porn I was downloading and the numbers of mails I was exchanging with other "dirty minded" folks. Remember, our generation didn't grow up with computers, so for the most part Dee truly didn't know what it was that I was doing here simply because she was in the dark as to their capabilities. I was quick to close incriminating windows when anybody passed by. I lived in my own little internet world.

As the kids got to the point in school where life without a computer would have crippled them academically, we got a second PC for them and Dee to share. Even then, we had only one internet log-in and I was on it all the time so while they played Tetris and math games I continued to live my hidden life on the internet where basically I fantasized about having a wild sex life in contrast to the miserable, married sex I was having but hardly enjoying.

It was only about five years ago when I was able to use my workplace's dial-up account to log the other PC onto the 'net in the evenings that I started teaching Dee a little of what she could do if she ventured online. We made her a Yahoo! mail account, and then I built her a little website where she could show off some of her craft creations. She started to lighten up a bit as she played around on the web and in time I began to feel somewhat guilty about all the fun I'd had on the internet for years because of my interactions with some really interesting people. It was then that I created a Yahoo! account of my own which I used to pretend to be a stranger who wandered onto Dee's craft site and who wrote to her just for the fun of it. The creation of that fictional guy would become one of the huge factors that led Dee to consider extramarital sex as a form of entertainment. That it did, precisely when it did, would make it seem that I created "him" to serve that purpose, but I honestly didn't. My sole intention at the time was to try to give Dee some of the fun that I'd been having for years in interacting with others online.

I've been "Dee's Joe" for four and a half years now, and I spend most of my leisure time right here in front of this screen. I'm as nearly into living huge chunks of my life online as I was for all the years when Dee was in the dark about my internet activities. It's so much better having her along for the ride with me, though. I kind of watched Dee evolve into a female version of myself - dirty mind and all - and I couldn't be happier. I still look back at the things I used to do to amuse myself with a sigh now and then, but frankly, if I had a choice of mastering a new song, reading a great new novel, inventing something really splendid, or writing an e-mail to a guy who wants to fuck my wife, the latter choice will win out every time.

I like being who I am now more than I did at any other point in my life and I'm more in love with my wife than I was when I asked her to marry me or on the day we exchanged our vows. In some ways, our life together really began on the internet. The rest of all that seems like it was just Dee and me treading water and marking time.

I didn't give up my past life so much as I just changed gears
to get to somewhere I always wanted to be. I just didn't
know that here was where I was trying to get to all my life.
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